trust

Mark needs heart surgery. It's a bit unreal writing that out. I've gone through all the expected emotions (fear, worry, sadness, anxiety) but through all that, I've gotten to a real place of peace. God has a plan for Mark and I remind myself often that these boys of mine are God's children first and foremost. God loves them even more than I do (which I can't even fathom).

One of my very best friends showed me this quote by Angela Thomas a while back and I truly believe that this is where we must keep our minds and hearts.

“When [someone] has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them with an open hand. Hold everything with open hands. I don’t think we are ever allowed to grab hold of anything or anyone as though they matter more than the kingdom of heaven. When you hold relationships with open hands, then people come in and out of your life as gifts of grace to be cherished and enjoyed, not objects to be owned and manipulated. And then when you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small.”

Open hands. That really hit me. I hold onto David, Zach and Mark tightly. I worry about them getting sick or hurt and I try to control that by obsessing over germs. It is debilitating at times. And now, Mark is having heart trouble - something only God can control. I have to let go and hold my family with open hands.

I really truly believe in God's plan for Mark. Trust. I'm fully trusting that God's plan is better than any plan I could have and even though it doesn't look like my plan would look, it is going to be so much better.

With all this said, I still get scared and sad and worried... But then I try to get right back into this mindset. My prayer is that God be glorified through our family. In good and in bad, we are looking to Him.

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